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Thinking About Change.

Published January 8, 2015 by DeadGrlSprStr

Sometimes I think about how much I’ve changed in the last few years, and it scares me, but at the same time it makes me so, so, happy! It makes me happy because I think that who I am today is more who I was meant to be. I am sad to say that I used to be a complete and utter Rage Junkie. I lived to be angry, I always had something negative to say, I always had a chip on my shoulder and an attitude. My mom used to tell me I could be sweet as can be, but I could have an evil, venomous tongue.

This is not to say that I don’t still have a mean streak(See last post for proof). Stephen King had it right when he wrote Dolores Claiborne, and I know I’m going to screw the quote up, but I believe it goes, “Sometimes all a woman has to hold on to in this world is being a bitch.”. I know I screwed that up, don’t hate me, it’s been a while since I’ve read that one. I’ll have to break it out again.

Today though my anger has really mellowed out. Sometimes I think it’s because I have a more regular schedule, but really I think it’s just part of growing up and realizing that the shit you were mad about before is just petty and unimportant and that the only person you’re stressing by being mad all the time is yourself.

I also used to be a real night owl, regularly staying up past daybreak from the night before, nowadays I’m lucky if I make it to midnight most days. Most mornings I’m up by 6:30, today I slept in and didn’t get up until 7:15, if I could make it up before 5:30 I would gym it with my best friend Iguana(remember, this blog is anon). Gonna have to start working on that.

Anyway, Change…Sometimes you can look in the mirror and all you see is angst and crazy in your eyes, and then only a few short years later you look in the mirror, and see peace. I also think that God and my faith in Him have had a lot to do with my change. When I was angry, I was conflicted about God, I dabbled in Wicca for a while(high school), I didn’t accept my own faith, the one I was raised with. I still don’t go to Church as often as I would like, but I have accepted Jesus back into my heart, and I am Roman Catholic. I was raised Roman Catholic, and I love my Church despite the scandals and other people’s opinions.

Some days change is very pronounced, other days it’s easy to revert to rageaholic, that’s life though, even the most peaceful person has a really bad day every once in a while.

 

Everyone is miserable, but old people are the worst!

Published January 4, 2015 by DeadGrlSprStr

Happy Sunday ya’ll! I work for a utility company, heating fuel mostly, so we’re in our busy season currently. As such I work one weekend day a week and have off a weekday instead. It’s not a terrible schedule, I enjoy the work that I do, and most of the people I work with. The problem, as with most places, is the customers…Now if you have ever been without heat in the winter you know what I’m talking about, and normally I sympathize and do everything I can do to make people feel ok about their situation, and to let them know that we are doing our best and that we care. The worst group as a whole are elderly people, and while I understand their upset, and that it’s scary for them to be cold because of their fragile health and immune system. Some of them can be downright MEAN!

Which brings me to my story for today. I got off of work today and on my way home stopped at the store to pick up some things so that P could make his homemade mac and cheese. Now apparently the gray and gloomy weather has put some people in a bad mood.

The cashier was a high school girl, possibly college, but more likely high school, she looked really young, anyways… So the woman in front of me had a whole cart full of stuff and the line we were in was one where the cashier has to bag and scan, it’s really meant for small orders, I actually thought it was an express lane. I got on line and the girl was just about done with the other woman, but I noticed that she was putting the stuff in the bag rather heavily, like basically slamming it in. The woman finally asked her, “Is there a reason you’re slamming my stuff in the bag? You’re just really putting it in hard and I don’t want my soda to explode”

The girl said the 12 packs of soda were just heavy. Seems like a reasonable explanation, right? So, I had 5 items, two 2 liter bottles of soda, 2 cans of cream of mushroom soup, and a bag of shredded cheese. So I’m thinking ok, whatevs, small order maybe the kid will smile.

Nope. She doesn’t even say hello! Avoids all eye contact, AND slams my 2 bottle of soda into the bag and doesn’t even double bag it. So she tells me my total, again no eye contact, grumpy look on her face. She rings it out and hands me my change, doesn’t tell me what the change is, doesn’t say thank you or anything. So I check my receipt, make sure I have the correct change, take my bags and very pointedly say to her, “Have a nice day!”, and walk out.

So now I’m thinking, geeze, someone should have called out ‘miserable BITCH’ today… So i walk out, going to my car, I wait for a car leaving to pull out, and as I’m about to start walking once they’ve cleared, the old guy who was waiting for the spot starts pulling in and damn near hits me!

So I stand there, and I wait for him to get out, and I say to him, “Would you have stopped, or just hit me?”

The guy was old, most likely in his 60s, and I’m not even joking, he looks at me and says, “What’s your problem?”

I’m like, “Really? You almost hit me!”

Then, this charming winner actually says to me, “Well you shouldn’t have been walking there, why don’t you smarten up!”

Now I’m floored, but I’m also, pissed as hell! I’m like “Are you fucking kidding me right now? It’s a parking lot, people walk through it!”

He legit looks at me and tells me to watch where the fuck I’m going, to which I respond, “Why don’t you just go drop dead you miserable old piece of shit!”

I’m dead serious right now, if you are to the point in your life where you can’t even muster up a half assed, half hearted apology when you almost hit someone with your car because you’re in that much of a big damn hurry it’s time to park your car in the garage, run the hose from the tailpipe into the window, and end it. Take your miserable ass attitude to hell with you.

Now, my reaction may be a little harsh, as may my opinion, but I was raised in a house where if you did something wrong you took responsibility for it and you apologized for any hurt you may have caused, what you didn’t do was try to turn it around like you are the injured party and be a dick about the whole thing. Harsh as it may be, I hope that old man gets creamed by a semi walking through the parking lot back to his ugly ass truck.

G is a psycho puppy, but I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

Published January 3, 2015 by DeadGrlSprStr

So, as you may remember, G is my Pit/Lab mix, she is just over a year old. G has a lot of personality, she has a tendency to bark at you if you aren’t paying her the amount of attention to which she feels entitled. She is surprisingly not a pain in the ass in the morning though, she’s perfectly content to sleep on her bed until P or I get up. Once we’re up though, all bets are off. Generally I’m lucky if she lets me go to the bathroom in peace.

A couple of weeks ago P took one of G’s toys an slapped it on the table in our living room that we eat off of most nights. I’m not even joking when I say that G went from sitting on the hardwood to leaping onto the table! She leaped straight up, landed on the table, plopped herself down, and looked so damn proud of herself!

They say pit-bulls smile, and they are right! G has such a happy smile when she is running around like a small horse on crack. She zooms from one end of our yard to the other, then back into the house, through the kitchen, around the table and couch, then up on the couch.

Right now she’s sleeping and she looks so peaceful. My favorite times are when I can lay down with her and just enjoy her sleepy puppy self.

 

About Me.

Published January 3, 2015 by DeadGrlSprStr

So my first post was kind of a superficial introduction to me, now though, I want to get more into who I really am. As you know, my name is A, I’m short, and fat, I am a brunette with brown eyes, I’m also latina though I was raised in an Irish/Italian household(I’m adopted). So now you have the full description.

Who I am as a person has really nothing to do with my physical descriptors. I am a person who loves. I love my husband, I love my family, I love my pets, I love MUSIC, I love SEX, I love food, I love WEED. Yeah, I said it, I love weed.

We’ll start with food. You don’t get to be my size without having a serious relationship(albeit, most likely a somewhat unhealthy one) with food. My love of food and maybe my slightly unhealthy relationship with food starts with my late Grandmother. My Grandma was the Italian side of my Irish/Italian upbringing. That woman could COOK! She could cook for dozens of people and make it look easy and it was DELICIOUS! When I was a kid in the late 80s/and the 90s, my other grandma(she wasn’t really my grandmother, she was a good friend of my grandparents though she was quite a bit older than them, they had been neighbors in Brooklyn), my Grandma T was a depression era survivor, and whenever she would visit which was often, she would consistently tell you not to waste food. As a result I would make sure to clean my plate of my Grandma’s heavy delicious Italian cooking. Growing up whenever I was depressed or sad my mom would take me shopping and out for lunch or dinner, as such I associated food and shopping with comfort, so it’s not really a big mystery as to why I’m overweight and have bad credit, but whatever. I still love food, and I’m trying now to rewire myself so that when I want something to eat I’m actually hungry and not just bored/sad/upset

Family is where we’ll go next. I was raised in a new york suburb by a single mother. She adopted myself, my brother and sister, and we lived with her parents in the house she grew up in. We still live in that house. Grandma and I had a really close relationship, she was the one I could tell anything to, and though I had older cousins I knew without a doubt that I was her favorite. She had been a smoker from the time she was 12, and she had her voice box removed so her health wasn’t the greatest and when I was 11 she had been sick and in the hospital a long time and ultimately passed away. My Grandpa was also a big influence in my life, though not in the early years… My Grandfather was a union boss, and he was in jail from before I was born until I was about 2 or 3 years old, and then again from the time I was 7 or 8 until I was maybe 10. I knew he was in jail the second time, I could read at a high school level when i was in elementary school, so I knew what the word ‘penitentiary’ meant. My mother, when confronted with that information just sighed, and told me not to tell my brother and sister. Grandpa passed away when I was 16, he had dementia. Mom and I are really close, I’ve never been afraid to go to my mother, she’d be mad sure but she’d get over it, and no matter what her level of disappointment, she always gave unwavering love and support. I grew up with my sister, C, brother TJ, and my mother’s half brother J, J is my age, he’s actually 15 days older than me, and was my grandfather’s son from an extramarital affair(scandalous, I know). The four of us were really close growing up, TJ and I eventually had some really bad blood between us, but growing up we were all 4 of us best friends. When you grow up with brothers and sisters around your same age even though you may have friends outside the house, your best best friends are always the ones you eat dinner with every night, stay up late and watch cheesy tv with, the ones who know your whole story. J has left us now, but we’ll never forget him or stop loving him he chose to leave and that’s his choice. C and I are close, not as close as I would like, but close enough. TJ and I are in a better place as well, I don’t think I would choose to live with him if I had a choice, but since I don’t it’s nice not to be at each others throats. P and I live with Mom, TJ and C, in the house I grew up in.

Okay, enough sentimental stuff, Pets I talked about in my first post so we’ll skip them for now. Music…Music is one of the most important things in life to me. I don’t play an instrument, I sing sometimes very nicely and sometimes very nasally, but whatever, MUSIC! Music is part of what makes life worth living. Music is connection, music is emotion, music is happy/sad/angry/love/hate/the entire scope of human feeling. I like a litle bit of everything, I like rap, I like pop, I like classic rock, metal, hardcore, punk, country, you name it there’s probably a band in the genre that I like.

So now, sex, I’ve always been a very sexual person. I think sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship, you should be able to be open about what you want sexually with the person you are with, if you’re not able to do that then maybe you’re not with the right person. That’s all I’m going to say on it right now.

Last but not least, weed. I’m what you may call a “pot-head”, or a “stoner”. What I’m not is stupid, or lazy. I don’t do hard drugs, I don’t drink very often anymore. I get up every day I go to work, I do my job to the best of my abilities. I don’t smoke and drive, and I don’t EVER smoke during the work day, but when I come home I smoke. I don’t know if I do it to calm my nerves, or give my metabolism a boost, or if I just like the feeling of being stoned. Whatever the reason, it’s really a combination of all those things I guess, but I’m a daily weed smoker, and I don’t think I’ll stop except for being pregnant and breast feeding.

So that’s that then. I’m also kind, hard working, generous, honest, loving, and loyal. That’s who I am. In depth and what not. I started this blog to just talk about myself, and life, and what I’m going through. I’m not in it for how many people read it, honestly I don’t care if anyone’s reading it. If you are reading this though, I hope it’s entertaining.

New Year, Maybe It’s Time to Actually Use This Thing…

Published January 2, 2015 by DeadGrlSprStr

Hey. My name is A. I’m thirty years old, Married to P for what feels like forever but really has only been about 4 and a half years. P will be 31 this month. Together we are the owners and proud “parents” of one dog, G, one cat, O, and one lizard, B.

B we’ve had for just over a year, when we got her she was 5 inches long, and now she is approx 16 inches long and should be about done growing.

O we’ve had for 7 years, P actually has had him for his whole life of 8 and a half years, and I’ve been with him since P and I moved in together. O is a tuxedo kitty with green eyes, he was a trial for me when they first moved in, but I grew to love him, and now can’t imagine not having him.

G is the newest addition, we assume that she is a pit/lab mix, she is not as stocky as your average pit, her coat is a big longer than the usual pit coat, and her tail is very lab like. Her face though is almost all pit. She is a sweetheart, just over a year old(we’ve had her since I believe the end of April), and with the sweetest personality you could ask for.

I guess I should talk about me now. I am short, 5’4, and I weigh 295 lbs. In the last year and 3 months I’ve gained 43 lbs, I would like to lose that and more. It can be done, I’ve done it before. It’s just definitely going to be harder this time, because I’m not working retail anymore. Yup, back in August I got my first pretty much real adult job. So the last time I lost the weight I was working 50+ hours on my feet. Now I work 40 hours and I sit. So I’ll really have to hit the gym and work hard at it this time. I’m lucky to have a pretty amazing husband though. P loves me, has never ever made me feel bad about my weight, and has always been supportive regardless of which way the numbers on the scale are moving.

P is originally from Maryland. He has an accent, it’s not quite southern, but he is very much a big cuddly redneck. Our marriage is not, and probably never will be “perfect”, but it’s ours, and we’ve been through a lot of struggles that would have torn apart a weaker relationship, and we’re still together, and still more happy than miserable.

So Happy New Year to all! To end this rambling introduction, I’m going to list my New Year’s Resolutions:

1) Eat Better

2)Exercise More(honestly this one will be the easiest, I don’t think I could possibly exercise less).

3)Treat My Husband Better(The last year has been a rough one).

4)Be More Patient

5)Smile More

6)Appreciate All The Good In My Life

7)Go To Church More Often.

8)Be More Honest About My Needs And Wants.

9)Make More Time for Meaningful Togetherness.

10)Take A Class.

11)Have a More Physical Connection With My Husband(holding hands, hugging, that kind of thing).

12)Do More Different Things With P(like go someplace we’ve never gone and that kind of thing).

13) Take a Daily Walk With G

14) Be More Open To New Experiences.

15) Go Out More.

16) Have Adventures!!

17) BE HAPPY WITH WHAT WE HAVE!

18) WORK HARD FOR WHAT WE WANT!!